Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
You Might Also Like
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding