Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

GOD: *invents mouse* I like it

MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha

GOD: *invents cat*

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

A decision was made here.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.

I really had high hopes for this year though

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there