Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
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‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Duck typos.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.