Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Who.
Did.
This?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants