Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.