Of course you don’t know ‘our song.’ You didn’t know we were even dating, silly. Or that the girl you had lunch with is in my trunk.

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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!


ME: It would ring, and we would… Answer it.
TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS?
ME *staring into the distance* We never did…


Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*


My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes


Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.


Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem


The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.


Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that


windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers