I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no