Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Sorry I made promises on Friday
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭