Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )