Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?

Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.

Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.