Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.