Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Oops I deleted….

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out