of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know