of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
She was REALLY feeling it.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.