of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Labreador
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion