Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average