Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
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9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.