Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Hello, my name is Pierre.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
These are my roll models.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.