Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
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superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.