Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!