Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
aura
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Sharon I have some bad news
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I just tested negative for patience.