Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
there has never been a better use of this meme
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…