Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

i want enemies

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

ㅤ

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”