Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup