Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

“No way.” -Jose

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles