Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?