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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything