Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened