Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Generation gap…

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.