Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mapping America’s Far Right

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

This is top tier marketing 😂🤣

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

3yo: dad I’m swimming!

Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!

3yo: I keep drinking the water!

Me: I know don’t drink the water!

3yo: I just drank more of the water!

Me: please stop drinking the water!

3yo: my belly hurts!

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet