Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.

Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread