Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

Krampus.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

In space, no one can hear…

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!

Me in December: Son of a b****

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever