Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer

“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

same energy

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

Isn’t

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?

Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.