Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
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We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
🍞🦆
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]