Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

Ummm

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Be the reason someone burns sage.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

[Heaven]

God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth

Stan Lee: Nuff said!

God: It’s just part of the job

Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Sounds like a bargain

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD