Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

🍞🦆

Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous

*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]