Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death

Me: I’ll take it

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch