Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!

Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

I think this should do it.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.