Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
You Might Also Like
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.