Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so