Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

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Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*


Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.


I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller


hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?


[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee


PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.


Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other