Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
(True)
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Growing out my freckles.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*