@skickwriter

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

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@Parentpains

Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?

*Leaps into garbage compactor*

@ozzyunc

Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.

@Parkerlawyer

I just passed a beer truck on the highway.

“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”

-My 6 yr old son, Miller

@MyPolishFace

hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?

@squirrel74wkgn

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.

@PJTLynch

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@hippieswordfish

‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other