Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
i think both sides are to blame here
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Had a spot of bother earlier.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.