Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Kidney stones? Hard pass
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
adam and eve had first world problems
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat