Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I didn’t know they can drive…
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Twitter is the new flypaper.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.