*offers Batman cough drops*
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Previously On Persistence 😎
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.