*offers Batman cough drops*
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Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.