*offers Batman cough drops*
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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
estão todos miauvindo?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.