*offers Batman cough drops*

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*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”


I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner


My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.


Cop: you’re under arrest
Me: no you are
*cop arrests me*
Me: fine but next time it’s my turn


My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.


God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens


“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”


Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.


I don’t get why some girls don’t make airplane noises before putting their tampons in