Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?

She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder