Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

incredible book dedication

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain

today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish