*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
