*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
