*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.