*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.