Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.