Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Blew my mind.

I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both