[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
The future is now.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Voting for coroner
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.