Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

thinking about this

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.

The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Oh my god, it is!

Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.

Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

me

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Kids, do not try this at home!

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*