Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Uh oh…

I hate when that happens.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her