Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?