Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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Monday Lisa
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Damn he played himself
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
All generalizations are stupid.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.