Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
adam and eve had first world problems
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.