Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
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The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
found this cool rock hiking today
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes