Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I think this might be relevant today.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no