Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
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Become ungovernable.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Labreador
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.