Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The three genders.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs