Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha

PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]

ME: Oh no shit shit shit

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Proctology is located in A55

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.