Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
It do be feeling this way.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.