Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

You don’t care about me. You just want to see what’s under my shirt. it’s a ham. I’m smuggling a ham. Happy?

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

a lot to unpack here

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

A couple who are silly together stay together.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.