Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.

Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

* 9 comes in from playing outside*

Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.

9: Ha, not messier than my room.

Me: What?

9: What?

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.