Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

*decorating the tree*

6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him

They’re the worst 😩

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.