Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

HELP 😭