Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless