Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

me: i’ll just have one more bite

narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …