“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else