Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

Old old old old old west

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby

ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses

Finally