[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”