Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

[Walks up to stranger]

Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”

Him: “Sure.”

Me: “Great!”

[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.