[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be![]()
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
can’t talk my ride’s here
![]()
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome