Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

(When someone insults something you like.)

“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”

(When someone insults something you hate.)

“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

🤣

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

🤣🤣🤣

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.