Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

bros in the example zone 😭

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

TODAY

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…

‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.