Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.