Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here