Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

pelicons

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable